HomeHomeFebruary 2008
But, what DO women want?
"Sigmund Freud once said, 'What do women want?'
The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men
to stop asking dumb questions like that."
--Bill Cosby
Decades ago, Dr. Freud once famously asked, "What do women want?" Today, we're still asking the same questions. Filmmaker Jennifer Fox, who recently visited the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis, took camera in hand, and using her own life as a catalyst for asking questions about what modern women want, made a film of her global travels. According to Fox, it's 6 hour-long "longitudinal study" which also covers a 5-year span of time. It's also thought-provoking.
In "Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman", Fox poses questions about a number of topics including the roles of creativity, partners, children, sexuality, and carving out time and space of one's own to women from several different countries.
In addition, Fox asks us to continue to dialog she's started, and by using her "passing the camera" technique, which she employed to help bring about a level of intimacy that would be lacking in a straight documentary. According to Fox, we are in uncharted waters, and the conversations with women worldwide are surprising. We are more alike in many ways than we are different.
True Colors
There are the subtle and not-so-subtle cultural clues we get about what it means to be a modern woman, and what it means to continue to be seem as "feminine" in the face of aging. In the U.S., where we are petrified of getting older, the very personal matter of hair color can be a radical one.
While it may seem as though the decision to color one's hair is a small thing on the scale of importance in human affairs, it can be a huge decision in a woman's life. Can we imagine what Hillary Rodham Clinton would look like if she were white haired? Would we respect her more or less? Would our older female politicians or even wives of Presidential political candidates be deemed political assets if they didn't give a damn about their "images" and sported grey hair? Would we truly accept these women if they showed their "true colors?"
Would Margaret Thatcher have been given the same amount of respect had she governed Great Britain with a full head of white hair? The Great Hair Color Issue is not limited to women, either; in the 1980's, Ronald Reagan's hair color was publicly discussed on more than one occasion. Could he really be that old and look that good, certain reporters asked? Were the good folks at "Grecian Formula for Men" sneaking into the White House after hours?
"Give Me a Head of Hair, Long Beautiful Hair"--as long as it's not white!
Last year, my dear cousin, not yet 50, decided to quit dying her hair. The varied and very emotional reactions from female friends astounded her. Some friends thought she was crazy. Why would she subject her appearance to such a drastic transformation process? Others admired her courage.
She has, or rather, had jet-black hair; however, in the "growing out process", her real hair color is now a more silvery grey. Prior to our holiday reunion, I wondered during our phone conversations whether her hair might resemble a sort of Oreo cookie, but when I saw her, I found I was firmly in the "admiration" camp. The incoming grey is quite beautiful. The current in-between phase is unique, with the faded-to-brown-former black patches; yes, but it's only temporary.
My cousin also reported receiving strange looks from people she met in her daily life--shock, repulsion, awe, and admiration. People either loved it or hated it, and there wasn't much in-between. When she decided to apply for a new job, a well-meaning neighbor insisted on putting a "quick rinse" in her hair. She refused, figuring if they wouldn't accept her as is, she didn't belong there. Happily, she got the job.
Mother-Daughter Battles: A Hair-Raising Tale
Many years ago my mother and grandmother, who in my youthful point of view were then "middle-aged and old" respectively, engaged in one of those unique mother-daughter battles that has become part of my family's lore. My mother challenged my grandmother's belief that her cousin's hair color was "natural." The cousin under discussion, who seemed at least 500 years old to me, was in fact, somewhere in the early to mid-70's, and had jet-black hair.
It couldn't possibly be natural, my mother insisted. She had to have help from the good Lady Clairol. No, my grandmother fought back, it WAS natural. Her hair color was true. In retrospect, I think the argument was superficially about the cousin-in-question's right to lie about her hair color, but rather it was a challenge to the family matriarch's right to take her cousin's word as law.
To my mother, it was also about the question of my grandmother's possible diminishing brainpower. Was Grandmother, whose superior wattage was without question, really going to believe what seemed an obvious and very stupid lie? Yes, she did. And that was that.
Will You Need Me...When I'm 64?
It seems a silly question, this question of hair color, until you read articles such as the recent one by Natasha Singer (January 24th 2008 edition of the New York Times, "Nice Resume. Have You Considered Botox?") Ms. Singer writes about a new book called, How Not To Look Old. She reports that this particular book is the latest to "treat the aging of one's exterior as a disease whose symptoms are to be fought to the death or, at least, mightily camouflaged."
What do modern women want? There are a million answers to the question, but I think it's this: to be loved and respected for who we are, at whatever point we are in the journey, whether we are alone, or with partners or children, whether we are rich or poor, however we have handled the cards we've been dealt. And, particularly in the West, I wish women could grow old without being viewed as less than intelligent, less than sexual, less than beautiful, less than useful; that we could do away with the view that we should be put out to pasture for having left the 20's, 30's, or even 40's behind.
News, Tidbits, and other Interesting Items
Last year, the BBC featured this story about the Zimmers, a senior-citizen rock band, who are hitting back at age-related stereotypes. (Thanks to Ken Lum for the reference.)
The Global Village
Three Cups of Tea is the story of Greg Mortenson, who is making a huge difference in the lives of impoverished children in Central Asia. Mr. Mortenson is waging peace by building schools. In fact, the mission of the Central Asia Institute is "to promote and provide community-based education and literacy programs, especially for girls, in remote mountain regions of Central Asia."
The Global Fund for Women, which is celebrating 20 years of investing in women worldwide, will be hosting a gala fundraiser in NYC on June 5th to honor Liberian president Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.
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